An Alternative Guide to Valentine’s Day
A Dozen Un-Cliché Ideas for Every Type of Relationship
Valentine’s day is a big holiday for a dating app, but we know you’re a unique whippersnapper, and may feel that the traditions are not quite suited to your individuality. So we wanted to offer a guide to help you enjoy the day without being married to the idea of an overpriced prix fixe dinner for two.
Throw those artisanal chocolates out the window — here are some alternative ways to enjoy February 14, no matter what stage you are in your romantic pursuits.
If You’re Single
Order a huge cake for yourself to arrive on Valentine’s Day and act very surprised when the delivery person arrives with it. Make sure to ask, “Who got this for me!?” a bunch of times.
If You’re in a Friends-With-Benefits Situation
To keep things casual, it’s best to just avoid Valentine’s Day altogether. Build a time machine with your hookup buddy and use it to time-travel exactly one day into the future.
If You’re in a Serious Relationship
Expectations are going to be high so swing for the fences. Go to Mount Rushmore and re-carve George Washington’s head so it looks like your significant other’s head. You’ll need a safety harness.
If You’re Traveling and Have a Wildly Romantic (Yet Fleeting) Fling With a Stranger
One word: ziplining. Kiss that stranger while you both whistle through the rainforest on a dangling wire. Stand at the end of a zipline course with your lips puckered as your partner ziplines toward you for a high-speed mega-smooch.
If You’re Happily Married
Surprise your significant other. Show your commitment to spontaneity and to your partner by getting a tattoo of their face on top of your face.
If You’re Unhappily Married
Just like a stalled car, a stalled marriage needs a high-voltage jump. Find an area known for lightning strikes and make love to your partner right in the center of it. Even if you don’t get zapped, you will reignite the passion in your relationship.
If You’re Married to Your Job
Switch your email signature from “Best” to “Lustfully yours,” light candles at your work desk even if the flames are right near important documents, and spend your lunch doing sensual yoga on a pile of rose petals in the break room.
If You’re Going Through a Breakup
Commission an oil portrait of yourself slaying a big ass dragon. When people ask you about the painting, tell them it’s based on a true story.
If You’re Stuck in a Well
Do the same things you would do if you were stuck in well on any other day: tell a shaggy dog to run and fetch the sheriff, scream for help, or construct an elaborate pulley system out of your pants and shoelaces.
If You’re an Adorable Old Person
Adorable old people can do things with zero judgement or consequences from society. Steal a car with your equally adorable and old significant other and drive it to Las Vegas. Rob a casino if you want. You have complete carte blanche.
If You’re Dead
Meet up with the ghost of President Abraham Lincoln and make sweet, honest love to him.
If You’ve Been Reincarnated as a Beautiful Oak Tree
Stop just staring at that other oak tree across from you and make a move. You both clearly like each other. Drop a few leaves and show some bark. Spell out “U up?” with your roots.
Written by Bob Vulfov. Illustrations by Eric Yearwood.
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